


Even a Vegan With a Cold, Dead Heart Ships It (aka Paul)

by ticklishpickle



Series: Santa is Phan trash #1 and Dan is a sassy Christmas elf [2]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Christmas, Established Relationship, Fluff, Kisses, M/M, Making Out, Santa continues being phan trash #1
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-27
Updated: 2017-12-27
Packaged: 2019-02-22 14:45:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,037
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13169127
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ticklishpickle/pseuds/ticklishpickle
Summary: Phil and his sassy Christmas elf boyfriend couldn't be happier they're together, and neither could Santa. Phil's cynical roommate, Paul needs a little more time to warm up to Dan however.





	Even a Vegan With a Cold, Dead Heart Ships It (aka Paul)

**Author's Note:**

> UNEDITED AS USUAL LMAO  
> I know Christmas is over but this is still cute okay

Phil practically skipped up the stairs to his flat, his hands clutching the bouquet of roses his boyfriend had given him earlier that night. Dan and him had been dating ever since their somewhat awkward admission of feelings a few months prior. Phil couldn’t believe his luck that day, he’d met Santa Claus and found out Dan liked him back- two things he thought could only happen in his dreams.

 

The door rattled obnoxiously as he wiggled his key around in the lock- he really needed to fix that soon. Okay, who was he kidding? He really needed to get  _ Paul t _ o fix that soon. The one time Phil tried to do handiwork around the flat he had caused around $500 worth of damages and as a consequence promised Paul he would never try anything of the sort again. 

 

Finally, the door clicked open and Phil walked in before kicking off his shoes hastily.    
  
“Paul! I’m back! How was work today?” Phil called out into the space of the flat, not exactly sure where his friend was. 

 

“Shitter than our toilet exactly fifteen minutes after you drank a gallon of milk on a dare. But a lot less funny.” 

 

Paul was standing on the opposite side of the kitchen bench from Phil, his arms folded and a slight smile playing on his lips. Was he there when Phil walked in? Either that or he was hiding some superhuman ability to teleport from one room to another from Phil. 

 

Phil rolled his eyes as he filled the blue vase his parents gave him a few years back with water and placed the roses in carefully. With only slightly shaking hands, he lifted the vase up and started to walk over to the small display table next to the television. 

 

“Paul, you really should quit! All you do is complain about that job, and I get that it pays the bills but is it really worth your happiness?”    
  
Paul’s smile fell for a second but was replaced within a second,

 

“Oh Phil, my happiness died when I watched my first environment documentary and realised humanity is doomed. There’s no point trying to get it back now.” He waved a hand at Phil dismissively. 

 

If it were anyone else, Phil would be extremely worried. But this was Paul, and he knew that while he did make jokes about things that caused him genuine distress, he greatly exaggerated the extent to which they affected him for comedic effect. And this time it definitely worked.    
  
The black-haired man let himself chuckle for a good thirty seconds at Paul’s cynical attitude, holding his stomach to stop it from hurting. This is why they were best friends.

 

“Well maybe your happiness will come back when I tell you all about my date with Dan? Yes?” Phil nudged Paul playfully in his side. 

 

Paul looked Phil dead in the eyes, showing no signs of interest or amusement. 

 

“I still can’t get over how you’re fucking a Christmas elf. Isn’t that like, beastiality or something?” 

 

Phil turned scarlett at his friend’s words. Usually, he would laugh at a joke like this but the mention of sex and Dan in the same sentence made him very flustered. Their relationship was still quite new, and both boys had an unspoken agreement not to go any further than making out for the time being. Neither of them were ready, and their kisses were more than enough to satisfy the pair.

 

“No! Dan and I are not fu-... intimate in that way. We haven’t even done anything past making out, not that you need to know. And I think you should really look up the definition of beastiality, this is a far cry from that. Dan is basically just a human with pointy ears!” Phil exclaimed hastily, his face flaming the whole time he was speaking.

 

“Hm. If you say so.” Paul eyed his friend suspiciously. “Well, you going to tell me about the date now? I’m assuming it was the same as the last date, the date before that, and the date before that.” 

 

“I’ll have you know that each date we’ve gone on has been different! Today, we had a romantic picnic under the stars and he serenaded me with his- his kazoo.” 

 

Paul burst into laughter as soon as he heard the word kazoo, not even trying to hide how amused he was at Dan’s instrument of choice.    
  
“The fucking, the fucking kazoo?” Paul managed out between loud bursts of laughter, slamming his fists on the bench. “Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant.” he said after he’d calmed down. 

 

Phil crossed his arms, attempting to seem annoyed, but he really wasn’t. He fought back a smile before replying,

 

“Alright, I’ll admit it’s quite funny in theory, but Dan’s actually an excellent kazoo player. And he does it ironically anyway. Hearing him play Britney Spears on the kazoo was quite cute actually.” Phil had the fondest expression on his face, the one that only made an appearance when he was with Dan, or talking about Dan. 

 

“You have that look on your face again, Phil.” Paul squinted at his friend suspiciously. 

 

“What look?” 

 

“The same one you had when… when asswipe was around. At the beginning.”

 

Phil’s eyebrows creased in confusion. Why was Paul mentioning  _ him _ right now? He was with Dan now. That was in the past. “Is that a problem?” 

 

Paul gasped before pointing at Phil accusingly. “You love him, don’t you!” 

 

Phil’s eyes widened. Was he in love again? Of course, Dan and him were only a few months into their relationship… but Phil had never been happier. Anyway, even if he was, why did it matter? Why was Paul bringing up something that happened two years ago? Sure, when it happened Phil was shattered, but he could truthfully say he was over it now. Trust Paul to play the overprotective father when he least needed it. 

 

Phil made sure to choose his next words carefully. “Paul, I know you’re still pissed at Derek for what happened, but I’m okay now. And Dan’s nothing like him.” 

 

His friend pulled out a comb from his back pocket and began parting his dirty blonde hair to one side. “I just don’t want you to get hurt again. You’re very vulnerable when you’re in love.” He pointed the comb at Phil sternly.

 

“And don’t even try to deny it. I know you love him. I can see your eyes going all googly and lovey and... weird. It makes my cold, dead heart warm a little. That’s how I know.”

 

Before Phil could respond, Paul was marching out of the kitchen into his bedroom, muttering profanities the whole time. 

 

This was going to be a problem. 

 

* * *

 

An almost overwhelmingly warm feeling spread through Phil’s chest as he held Dan in his arms. The two men were cuddling on Phil’s couch, occasionally filling the comfortable silence with short remarks and comments. Phil kissed the top of Dan’s head and pulled him a little closer. He revelled in the soft sigh of contentment Dan let out in response. 

 

He was happy like this, just holding the man he loved in his arms, not thinking about anything else in the world. Phil’s weird conversation with Paul the other day made him realise that that’s what he felt for Dan. Love. And even though they’d only been dating for a few months, Phil knew it was the truth. 

 

Dan and Phil’s heads both turned when they heard the front door rattling open. Their eyes were greeted by the sight of all six feet of Paul stumbling into the kitchen, his arms full of Wholefood items. Paul plunked the bags down onto the bench, causing a loud clatter. 

 

“My jarred quinoa salad better be okay or I’m gonna hit a bitch.” Paul grumbled as he rifled through the bags, assumedly looking for said salad. After a few seconds, he looked up, finally noticing the laughing boyfriends on the couch who were quite obviously cuddling. Paul narrowed his eyes. 

 

“Oh. Hello. Phil.  _ Dan. _ ” Paul said, quite obviously eyeing Dan up.

 

“Hi Paul! How are you? Vegan food haul good?” Dan responded, seemingly unfazed by Paul’s not-so-subtle hostility. In the past few months, Paul had always shown some degree of suspicion and hostility towards Dan, but today was worse than ever. Phil didn’t think it would be wrong to assume it had something to do with Paul figuring out Phil was in love again. 

 

The blonde-haired man’s face remained blank as he reached behind him to open the fridge, still facing Dan. His long arms fumbled awkwardly over the surface of the fridge, looking for the handle. Opening a door without looking at it was clearly posing a challenge for the man. 

 

“Yes. Quite good. Purchased some organic, cold-pressed almond milk to eat with my granola in the mornings.” With one hand he held the bottle of almond milk out, presenting it to Dan and with the other he found the fridge handle and swung the door open dramatically. “But that’s for tomorrow.” His voice somehow stayed weirdly serious the whole time he was talking. He roughly placed the bottle in the fridge, accidentally knocking a bottle of tamari sauce over in the process. 

 

“Oh, um. Cool?” Dan replied, clearly uncomfortable. 

 

Phil scrunched his face up at his friend, silently trying to send him a secret best friend message of, ‘ _ What the fuck are you doing? You’re making me and my boyfriend feel awkward.’  _ Paul simply avoided Phil’s gaze and slammed the refrigerator door shut. There was a tense silence in the air for a few moments, before Paul continued.

 

“Well, you two lovebirds, have fun in here. I’m going to have a nice wank up there.” Paul pointed to his bedroom on the second floor of the flat, before grabbing his quinoa salad off the bench and walking off.

 

When the sound of Paul shutting his bedroom door was heard, Dan spoke up. 

 

“Okay, literally what the fuck was that?” 

 

Phil visibly cringed. He knew exactly what the fuck it was. Around two years before, Phil was dating a guy named Derek. They’d met at a coffee shop, and their relationship was just as cliche as their meeting spot. Derek had wine and dined Phil, taken him for cute dates in the city, and Phil was the happiest he’d ever been. That was until one day, Phil went over to Derek’s apartment to surprise him for their anniversary, but was met with a bit of a surprise himself instead. A tall, slim brunette girl had answered the door, introducing herself as Derek’s girlfriend. Phil begged Derek to say it wasn’t true. Derek begged Phil to forgive him. 

 

To say Phil was heartbroken would be an understatement. He was shattered, distraught for months. And despite Paul’s constant claims that his own heart was dead and cold, he was the one there for Phil throughout the whole breakup. Phil couldn’t count the amount of times Paul had cooked the both of them dinner, despite being extremely busy with work, or taken the afternoon off work for his friend when he knew he needed someone that day. Paul even hugged Phil a few times, and Phil knew that the man couldn’t stand physical contact with humans, especially hugs. 

 

In short, Phil had his heart broken two years ago. And Paul knew that Phil loved Dan, knew the power Dan had over Phil because of it, and he was paranoid Dan would do the same thing Derek did. 

 

Phil wriggled out of their spooning position and crossed his legs on the couch. He sighed. 

 

“Okay, this is gonna be a bit heavy, so prep yourself.” 

 

“But I didn’t bring any vaseline today!” Dan smirked, eager for Phil’s reaction.

 

The black-haired man couldn’t help but laugh at his boyfriend’s lame joke.  Why was Dan like this? 

 

Phil smacked Dan in the arm lightly. “You know what I meant! Now let me talk!” He glared into Dan’s eyes exaggeratedly, making it obvious he wasn’t actually mad. 

 

“You’ve probably noticed that Paul’s always acted a little hostile towards you, even from the start. But today was worse because um, well…” Phil looked nervously at the ground before looking back up at his boyfriend’s expectant face. He could do this. 

 

“Because he realised I’m in love with you.” Dan’s eyes softened at this and a triumphant smile graced his face. Dan opened his mouth to respond, but Phil pressed a finger to his lips. 

 

“Daniel, as much as I want to share this romantic moment of love confessions with you, I need to finish explaining.” 

 

The elf huffed cutely and crossed his arms before nodding. 

 

“My last boyfriend kind of screwed me over, okay, really screwed me over. I don’t want to get too much into it, but basically he’d been cheating on me since the start of our relationship. And I found out on our anniversary too!” Two years ago, even a year ago if you asked Phil to tell this story, he wouldn’t have been able to finish it without crying. Now, he didn’t really feel anything but sorry for Derek and whoever would end up with him. 

 

“I was completely shattered for months after the break up. I was in love with him, and finding out he did that to me was really hard. But my saving grace throughout that whole breakup was Paul. He helped me so much during that time, and I know now he’s scared that now that I’m in love with you, I’ll end up hurt again.” 

 

Dan was nodding thoughtfully the whole time Phil was talking. His face didn’t give anything away, and Phil was anxious for Dan to respond. 

 

Dan clasped his hands on his lap, and sat up a bit straighter.

 

“Well, first off. I wish Derek was a sim, so I could kill him in twelve different ways without serving a prison sentence. Also, he’s a fucking fool for doing that to you. He’s missing out on the cutest, sweetest guy on the planet.” 

 

Phil felt the need to clutch his hand to his chest, that was the most hilarious and sweetest thing Dan had ever said to him! How did he get so lucky? He had nothing to say back, so instead swiftly leant forever and gave Dan a quick kiss on his dimple. Dan flushed bright red, especially the tips of his pointy ears but still smiled back at Phil.    
  
“A-anyway,” Dan was a bit flustered now, “I’m so sorry you had to go through that. And about Paul, well it really does make sense. It’s actually quite endearing he cares about you so much. But you should both know I would never do something like that to you.” 

 

Phil reached out to grab Dan’s hand and laced their fingers together. 

  
“I know you would never, Dan. But we need to convince Paul of that too.” 

 

“Well, let’s all have dinner together. We can have it here, if that’s okay. I’ll bring some of my finest, most sugary desserts. And I’ll invite Santa too, he’s been bugging me to let him see us together as a couple for the first time.” 

 

Phil thought about Dan’s suggestion for a second. That wasn’t the worst idea Dan had had. Although, he did suggest streaking through the North Pole as a date idea once. Phil still wasn’t sure if that was a joke or not. But the dinner could help ease Paul’s concerns if they played their cards right.    
  
“Okay… yeah! I’m in. Go call Santa while I pee.” Phil grinned at his boyfriend before jumping off the couch and making his way to the toilet.

 

“That’s great famalam.” Dan pointed finger guns at Phil. Seriously, why was he like this? “Oh, and before you pee. I love you too.”    
  
Dan squeaked when Phil jumped on him with no warning. Phil smiled down at his boyfriend before ducking down and meeting their lips. A celebratory makeout session was in order.

 

They kissed like that for a few minutes, excitedly and with all their love poured into it before,

 

“Wait. Didn’t you need to pee?” 

 

Phil rolled his eyes. Trust Dan to ruin a moment. “That can wait. This is more important.” he panted into Dan’s neck.

 

“I’m just saying, if you’re into doing  _ stuff _ with a full bladder I may have to break up with you. As much as I love you, omorashi’s really not my thing.” 

 

Phil really wished he could say he scolded Dan for that god-awful joke. But all he did was laugh, and notice his heart growing impossibly fonder of the sarcastic elf. 

 

* * *

 

“So what are your intentions with Mr. Philip?” Paul enquired sternly before shoving a spoon of chocolate tofu pudding in his mouth. 

 

“Oh, come on, Paul! You’re really gonna use that line on him? You’re not a father from the 1970s  meeting his daughter’s boyfriend for the first time!” Phil ran a hand through his dyed black hair. This was not going well.

 

Things had been like this all night; Paul asking Dan weird questions and glaring at him from across the table. Initially, Dan had been answering them with as much politeness as he could muster, but now he was just giving him cheeky, sarcastic responses. And of course Santa was sitting at the head of the table, chuckling at the whole ordeal and cooing anytime Dan and Phil did anything remotely coupley. 

 

“Oh, you know. Just to take him knitting with me, things were getting pretty lonely at knitting club. Good thing I met Phil at that Satan worshippers convention.” Dan smiled overdramatically and tilted his head to one side. 

 

Paul glared at Dan even harder, if that was possible.    
  
“Ho ho ho!” Santa chuckled loudly, holding his belly. “This Daniel, ay?” Phil felt Santa’s fat elbow nudge him in the side, trying to get Phil to laugh along with him. As uncomfortable as this night was, Phil was extremely grateful for Santa’s presence, and not just because Phil was still a huge fangirl for him, although that was a big part of it- but also because he laughed at nearly everything, which saved them from many awkward silences. 

 

Phil let out a clearly forced laugh, looking at Dan apologetically. He reached over to squeeze his boyfriend’s hand. The poor guy looked more uncomfortable than he did at the party Phil brought him to a few weeks ago. And that was saying a lot. 

 

Santa’s eyes lit up when he saw the elf and Phil holding hands. He jumped excitedly in his chair a little, causing the cutlery on the table to rattle. 

 

“Now that’s just adorable.” He beamed, pointing at Dan and Phil’s clasped hands.    
  
“Would ya look at that, Paul-o? Just like me and Mrs. Claus! From the start we were like that, all cuddly and all over each other. Everyone thought it wouldn’t last, but the Mrs and I are still happily together to this very day, and well, I’m sure the elves living in the floor directly below us can attest to that. If you know what I mean.” Santa wiggled his thick white eyebrows at Paul. Paul stared at him in horror.

 

Dan slapped his boss on the back abruptly. “Aha! Santa, this has been great, but doesn’t there- isn’t there, um, stuff to be done down in the North Pole? Rudolph need feeding?” He said, forcing a smile and nodding at Santa, twitching his head towards the front door. 

 

“Hohoho! Don’t be silly Daniel, I’ve gotten everything taken care of for tonight. Tonight it’s just you, me, Paul and Ph-” Someone’s phone chimed, interrupting him. The old man frowned before pulling his phone out of his pocket. His eyes widened as he read whatever text was on the screen. 

 

“Oh dear, I’m so sorry to do this but I really should get going. Rudolph’s been a _ wee _ bit incontinent tonight, and the elves need help cleaning it up.” Santa frowned apologetically at Dan and Phil as he stood up out of his chair. 

 

“Oh, well that’s okay! Thank you so much for coming Santa, it’s been amazing seeing you again. I’ll walk you out.” Phil was disappointed that Santa was leaving so soon, but he knew he was a very lucky man to see Santa again. Most people only got to meet their idol once, and usually just at a meet and greet they’d have to pay $180 dollars for! 

 

Phil grabbed his and Santa’s coats off the rack, and sneakily (he hoped), a pen. Hopefully he could squeeze an autograph from the old man on his way out. 

 

* * *

 

Dan shifted nervously in his chair. How could Phil leave him alone with Paul like this? It was already awkward enough when Santa and Phil were there, now it was going to be even worse!  _ Alright, _ Dan thought.  _ It will be okay. I’ll just talk to him, about, um, something. _ Dan blurted out the first thing that came to his mind, 

 

“Well, Santa’s story about his sex life sure was fun to listen to, ay?” 

 

He could have slapped himself in the head a million times in that moment. Out of everyone conversation topic in the world, he picked that one? He was doing himself no favours. He clenched his hands under the table in anticipation for Paul’s response. 

 

“Oh, fuck, mate. That was fucking awful. I can’t get the picture of him having sex out of my mind now, and it’s not a pretty one.” Paul chuckled a little.

 

Was this… was this positive social interaction he was participating in? And with Paul of all people? Perhaps he could win him over after all! 

 

“Yeah well it’s worse witnessing it in real life, trust me.”   
  
Paul leaned forward in interest. 

 

“No way, you’ve seen it before?”

 

“Yep, just last week and it was fucking disgusting. Gotta admit it is kinda cute they’re still that crazy about each other after all those years, though.” If Dan was being honest, that’s what he imagined him and Phil would be like in thirty years time. Of course, it was still early in the relationship, but he couldn’t imagine his life without the clumsy raven-haired man. 

 

Paul cleared his throat before speaking again. He actually looked kind of nervous, for once.

 

“Yeah… well about that. I don’t think you heard the first part of what Santa said to me, but he was basically cooing over you and Phil holding hands, saying you guys reminded him of him and his wife. It kinda reminded me that... not all relationships turn to shit after a few months, especially not ones like yours. So, while by no means am I letting you off the hook, I must admit that you and Phil have a future. And I know you’ll never hurt him. Not intentionally.” Paul scratched the back of his neck. “I guess you can take this as an apology, of sorts.” 

 

Dan thought he could cry out of relief. Paul was finally coming around to him! Had it really been this easy the whole time? Was all Paul needed to be reminded that some relationships do work out?  _ I guess it shouldn’t be that surprising.  _ Dan thought,  _ He’s even more cynical than me.  _

 

“Well, apology accepted Paul. I hope you know I love Phil, so much, and I don’t plan on being with anyone else. Ever. Also, Derek’s a fucking piece of shit, right?”  Dan grinned at the man across the table from him. 

 

“YES! HE IS!” Paul slammed his hands down on the table and shook his head. “I always had a bad feeling about Derek, even from the start. But you- you’re good, I can tell. I just wish Derek’s anus fucking prolapses or something. Dumb bitch.” 

 

Dan howled with laughter at this, prompting the other man to laugh along with him. Things were going to be okay.

 

* * *

Phil walked back into the flat ten minutes later to find the two most important men in his life (after Santa of course) laughing hysterically together, they were finally getting along! He smiled fondly at the both of them. It was time for a group hug.

  
  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> oi you  
> yeah you  
> leave a kudos  
> and maybe even a comment  
> or Paul will make your anus prolapse  
> :')


End file.
